dogs that bark with their tails between their legs

Perhaps reading Life of Pi has started to influence how I think that I begin to see people with their distinct behavior and their respective places in the society as animals. Yep, animals.

Today I am going to write about dogs.

I love dogs. Really. I love the big ones, those that look clever and tough. They look like they can protect you from any trouble. In fact, my favorite one is Alaskan Malamute and the second one is Siberian Husky. I, however, don't own one. 

Well I used to. Its name was Thunder, a brown puppy my father bought when I was in Elementary. He was very remarkable. It wasn't afraid of rain nor thunder. I saw it once enjoying the rain. It died after two months, June 20, Fathers' Day. It was very dear to me that I did not love any dog after him.

The dog that I am going to describe today is far from my Thunder. Very far. 

This dog barks so loudly. It yaps and yaps. It wouldn't have been a problem seeing this dog if it had something to show for. That's it. It doesn't. It pretends to be a great dog--a Great Dane perhaps-- but it isn't. It wants to have a breed. However, even the most idiotic person in the world knows that a dog's breed is not determined by its bark. There are several factors: coat, height, length, muzzle, and behavior. A mongrel can never be a Golden Retriever, nor a German Shepherd no matter how it acts high and mightily.

Dogs will always wag their tails when they want to gain favor, when they want their owners to toss bones to them.This dog is the same. It barks and wags its tail to its superior, shows his teeth while lolling its tongue. What is it fed with? Scraps! Leftovers! It doesn't get the meat but it sucks the juice of the bones or even its own shit. When problems arise, it doesn't leave its master yet doesn't defend its Superior either. It hides behind his Master's pants and barks with its tails between its legs. How pitiful! Pathetic! Wretched and undignified little thing (redundancy intended)!

Given this, does it deserve my time? Nunca. I have more things to devote my time in.

How do I get rid of it?

I don't try to. Why? It doesn't exist in my world! Getting rid of it means acknowledging its existence and its significance. I acknowledge the presence of mongrels anywhere but I don't believe they matter much.

submissive and dominant animals

"When two creatures meet, the one that is able to intimidate its opponent is recognized socially superior, so that a social decision does not always depend on a fight; an encounter in some circumstances may be enough." - Hediger (1950)

I got this quote from the Life of Pi.

By the way, I haven't made up my mind on getting back on track in this blog but one thing is for sure, I will be posting from time to time this summer. Fortunately, we have a computer with internet access. Yep, out of 5 computers available for faculty assistants, only one has internet access. Besides, my situation needs it.

Last Friday, I wrote about a slithering snake in our midst. Well, it seems that issue isn't finished yet and it is going from bad to worse. I heard from a reliable source that the one who professed caring for me was the one who reported my text to my dear Superior. Sheesh. This text, the source said, became the trigger to the Superior's fury. What? A single, one-peso worth of text?! Seriously, someone needs a course on Anger Management more than I do. 

What irks me here is a statement made by an outsider whom I did not even risk involving in my situation. An unsollicited advice is more unwelcome than a statement that everything is gonna be alright (rock a by).

I do not require anybody to see my side. I am grateful to those who have chosen to believe in me after serious consideration of the situation I am in. I do not require help--I don't need it. I don't ask anybody to defend me nor stand up for me. Last but not the least, I do not need any unsollicited advice particularly from people who dare not save their asses.

They are hypocrites. They suffer. They complain. However, when push comes to shove, they hide or worse, they purr like cats. I don't take advice nor warning from animals who can't do anything to save themselves. Are they going to act like my saviors when they can't even stop complaining? Can't they even solve their problems first before they try to solve mine? (I don't even consider myself in hot waters)

"Socially inferior animals are the ones that make the most strenuous, resourceful efforts to get to know their keepers. They prove to be the ones most faithful to them, most in need of their company, least likely to challenge them or be difficult."

This is another quote I got from Life of Pi. I have to thank Sherwin for lending me the book. AND YES, I DARE TO DROP NAMES IN MY OWN BLOG.

Deconstructing the quote a bit, I therefore conclude that the strong animals thrive without being pets. They run free in the wild and they live for a longer period of time.

I have existed in this world for 24 years and in those years, I have learned to solve my own problems without  anyone helping me even my parents. Thank God, I don't need to suck up with my Superiors just to have a name for myself. 

Should I get terminated from my current job, the battle would have been won. Not by them, the superior, nor the snakes they have for pets but by me. It is not like this is the only job in the world. Aside from that, who has heard of a an employee being fired because she has edited her Boss' Memo? If I would be the first, then I would have my name posted in the Guiness Book of World Records. That would be remarkable.

Vengeance is Sweet

"You can't understand me because you are JUST a teacher." -_____

Now I know why students don't respect their teachers anymore. Their parents have taught them to. I guess we should have a break from teaching students and start sending parents to school again. hehehe 

Savoring the Pain of Heartbreak

“I’m smiling but I’m dying, trying not to drag my feet…” The Script, Nothing

I was one of the Masters of Ceremony in our school assembly. I also needed to manage the WCC Music Club. I tried not to look stressed. I tried not thinking about it. In the deepest recesses of my heart, I knew I couldn’t.

How could I easily break a one-year habit of texting him ‘good morning’? How could I keep myself from wishing him goodnight when it used to be a routine? How could I suddenly cut ties with a person I fell so deeply in love with?

How could he do so much without me?

I even wore a pink dress today…

I tried to smile…

I tried to be happy…

I tried to shrug it off…

But the pain kept on haunting me. The toughest ones came at night when I had to think of how to get through another day without him.

It was hard to breathe.

I only had sleep to numb me and my dreams to keep me from falling apart. If I could, I would stay in those dreams where I could cuddle in his arms and forget everything but him. But I know those dreams could only prepare me for an even tougher pain that the next day has to offer. Nothing more.

I will only have to keep on smiling until I die inside.

Broken

One week after our anniversary

A week before my birthday

He got tired.

He did not want to see me.

He did not want to receive any message from me.

He wanted space.

He wanted to move on.

He did not feel the same and he was trying to figure things out.

The problem was he did not ask how I felt.

And that’s when it hurt.

Because that meant he didn’t care anymore.

hot summer somber days

It's freaking hot in the Philippines right now that I want to be somewhere else...

I don't have my salary yet. It has been four days already. I cannot use the freaking internet because I don't have my salary. I don't have blog entries for the last two weeks of March and even if I did, I wouldn't  be able to publish it anyway.

I have been busy computing the grades of my students, and getting myself cleared and, recently, making the module for the first semester. My mind has also become busy conjuring half-baked fanfictions. Still, a part of me is busy reflecting what things have gone wrong.

The weather isn't helping me one bit. I am not one with those who rejoice because it is summer and they can enjoy the beach and all.  Summer afterall is a season that can figuratively brighten and lighten up anybody. Since I am not just anybody, I do not share this ideology. Summer tans and darkens everyone- that I agree.

When I get my salary, one of the things I will buy is a fan. Then, I can half-enjoy summer, soaking up in its paradox.

Muchas Grasas

*Muchas Grasas is a play of words on the Spanish expression “muchas grasias” which means “thank you very much.” This pun is a title of the segment of the longest running comedy show in the Philippines Bubble Gang. The said segment is about a family of ‘Taong Grasa’, a term for financially deprived person who does not have any choice but to live on the streets or under bridges. At first, one will think that it is about how the rich dominate the poor but it is the other way around. In the segment, the poor discriminate those who are clean and well-off.

There will always be people who encourage and lift you up. Along with them will be those who try to bring you down.

Labeling somebody or something in front of others without thinking is one of the worst faux pas one can ever commit. It is unsophisticated, unintelligent, and ostentatious. It is also an affirmation of insecurity.

I do not know how low an insecure person can go. In fact, I do not need to know. There cards are quite out in the open, I won't even say they have strategies. Anyway, all they do is cloak themselves with hypocritical righteousness.

All I know is I am doing my job. And if someone badmouths me whether in front of other people, I take it as an artist having an immature anti-fan.

Simon says that I must learn the art of 'deadma' or indifference and I think I really should and I shall begin practicing.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall: Women and Vanity

While Russ and I were loitering in SM North, I saw two advertisements of Snow White adaptations: one with Kristen Stuart and the other with Julia Roberts. These ads reminded me of the wicked stepmother's line 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?' I found it funny that coincidentally, the night before, I had seen an animation which tackles vanity in one of its episodes. I smirked as I came to a conclusion that I had been surrounded by a 'controversial' topic but I totally took it for granted: women's narcissism.

 

Women, more than any other species in this world, love to look at their reflection. Wherever we go, we always bring mirror with us. If in case we have forgotten to bring one, which I doubt any self-conscious woman will, we always go on field trips to nearby restrooms. If there are none, which is close to impossible of course, we always find ways to look at ourselves through mirror substitutes like windshields of cars, windows of houses and establishments, spoons, CDs, and lately, phones particularly the dual camera ones.

We check our hair, makeup, clothes, facial expressions, zits etcetera wherever we go whenever we want to. It would have been a normal thing had we, women, stayed that way. But no, we just have to check the reflection of those beside us and compare-you got that right-compare ourselves to them. We check their hair, makeup, clothes, and facial expressions. This habit either makes or breaks our day. If the other woman is prettier, sexier, cooler, then most probably we end up feeling so bad about ourselves. If she is not so pretty, we feel great and confident. Is it then hasty to conclude that mirrors spite envy?

I am not sure if this behavior is what old folks saw in women that they were able to create Snow White or the evil stepmother and pass the responsibility to the Brothers Grimm. If it is, then it is such a shame for us women to be compared to a witch. This makes to-be-like-Snow White even more appealing to us. However, the downside still is as we strive to look like her, we keep on being like the other woman instead. We just cannot stop comparing.

I recall what Sunako has said in Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge (Wallflower), the animation that I watched last weekend, that if we could stop trying to be 'ladies' then we wouldn't have any problem. She shares that we only put unnecessary load on ourselves as we keep on comparing our very own miserable identities to 'dazzling creatures.' Therefore, she concludes, that we must destroy all the mirrors in our houses. She proceeds to annihilate all of the mirrors in the house and even trashes the vanity things including cosmetics and perfume.

Isn't it great?

Therefore we only have two ways to solve this prevalent issue. One is to break all of the mirrors at home if we can’t stop comparing ourselves to others. The other solution is stop comparing ourselves to others if we can’t live without our mirrors.

As for me, I will just see the Snow White adaptations and pity the evil Stepmother as much as I pity insecure yet ironically vain women. Then, I will watch Wallflower some more. I can use some optimism in this world.

Lesson 1: Back to Basics

Haughty and naughty students who don't like to be reprimanded usually think that they can just treat teachers as people who only work in order to feed themselves and their family members. They think that the lives of their professors lie in their hands. What is worse is they make us, teachers, look stupid. These notions are a crap if not ridiculous. One thing students often forget is why they call their professors, instructors, and proctors 'teachers.'

Perhaps, some examples can enlighten their deprived minds.

We can inspire and motivate people who already have goals in their lives. We only need to nourish these goals, and help our students go to the right path. Flexible that we are, we can do this in our out of the academe. Teachers can go to different schools. As long as we have our license we can teach anywhere. And even without license, we can venture into other jobs. We can go to call centers, or even become event’s organizers. On the other hand, students, once kicked out, can never go to any. It will take a long time for them to get their act together and start anew. There are exemptions to this of course but they are scanty otherwise nobody will go to school anymore.

Second reason that students must be on their toes is there are many students in the world who deserve the instructors' best efforts. We don't like wasted effort-nobody likes it in the first place. I, for one, don't bother myself caring for those who do not want to help themselves. I rather be stuck with bookworms who forsake their lunches for good reads than teach those who make my blood boil. I rather comfort below-average students who still follow my instructions than those who think they are high and mighty. The point is, if some students don’t like listening and participating in our class discussions, the teachers only need to interact with those who show interest in learning. We will not forsake those who depend on us. We are neither caregivers nor nannies who follow their bosses around. We make Bosses.

Lastly, one of the reasons we are called teachers is we have gone through series of studies and tests which not all students can go through. Students can't even pass regular quizzes, how much more a nationally standardized examination. Giving us alibis for their violation of classroom regulation is an insult to our intellect. Trying to pit their pride against our pride is a mismatched challenge because we belong in a different level.

It is high time that these irresponsible students know who they fight against. We are not ordinary persons who wear stifling clothes to look formal, makeup to look older, high-heeled shoes to look respectable. We have already succeeded our trials in order for us to be where we are right now. A challenge coming from a stray batch of school sheep is but an ordinary case for us that we are willing to take any time of the day—except when we are at home, that is—knowing and believing that in a school, there are more students who are willing to learn than those who throw their lives and their parents’ toil away.

We are not only teachers. We are Professional Teachers and it takes more than just a bunch of rowdy kids to take this title away from us. 

guess who

"I hate you, I am fine living without you."

I know I should not be affected of the crap that you did to me. What crap? A "deleting me from your Facebook account" kind of crap. I don't even know why I give a shit about it. All I know is I am affected and I don't know why.

Honestly, I am angrier to myself that I have let you affected me like this. Being deleted or blocked from Facebook accounts of other people doesn't concern me particularly if the feeling is mutual dislike. Only huge attachment can shake me. If I had just known you from some workplace, or met you in a seminar or any other interactive sites, it would not matter. But you? You were a school mate. It was a position not too remote nor familiar.

You, well, I did not resent you. Nor did I like you. It was more of respect that we both lived in different worlds, and somehow these worlds could only collide in the academe.

I felt tension in those days we were stuck in the class together. We had so many similarities and so many differences at the same time-- it sucked. Let us just say that I did not like being overshadowed by you that was why I did my best to prove that I was better.

Well, you could say I should be happy that we won't have any means of communication. I am not. Why?

What irks me is the feeling that without a sweat, you have won in the battle I have prepared for for so long and I haven't had a say in it. Why? Facebook doesn't have this application asking the other party if they want to be deleted.

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

You may not have been my friend. You have made yourself my enemy. It is just so unfortunate that you won’t have a taste of how bad I can actually be. I can say you're quite lucky, you have saved yourself just in time.

It will probably take me days to get over this situation. I will definitely think about this from time to time. I will probably ask myself why.

I have to commend you though-- you have done me good. This has made me realize that my pride is more important than you. Damn right it is. I have concluded that losing you is less a harm compared to asking you to add me to your account again. Thank you for teaching me this.

If by chance, you will come upon this blog entry, remember that I have done this knowing that you won't probably read it. And if you have, well congratulations to me. If you have been affected, let's just call it quits.

ratio

A person's value is measured by the ratio of how he sees himself and how others give importance to him. Sometimes, one part is bigger than the other which in both ways, if perceived extremely, is negative. If he gives too much importance in himself while his peers don't give him the "right" amount of attention he desires, he might find himself disappointed and consider his friends falling short his expectations.

If he doesn’t have much confidence in himself, his friends will try to give him the support he needs. This promise doesn't last, unfortunately because like any other person, friends get tired too, especially when the person they are trying to help cannot help himself nor showing any plan of helping himself.

Being a victim of this measurement, I have witnessed this a lot of times and I know my place in the categories I have given. I may have experienced this but I think I have mastered the knack of putting myself on the more advantageous side or looking like it. I have long accepted that people come and go--I do come and go as I please. I have seen people return in my life. I have also returned to some. I have made friends, I have had enemies. Antis, stalkers...name it. I have made a lot of people feel unimportant, I have done damages but these don’t  mean that I am invulnerable.

Friends I hold dear can hurt me more than they know, more than they should.  However, learning this rule that subtly governs any relationship, I have got used to it and mastered that I know one strategy to keep the tides on my side. What that strategy is, I won't divulge of course. One thing is "fosho" as G-dragon says it, when it comes to this, be it friend or foe, I won't be at the bottom of the food chain. There will be blood in the water.

seat greed

Yesterday morning, a stout woman and her 'daughter' attempted to bully me. Attempted because it is not like I will let any person bully me. I found the incident foolish. Why? She was fighting for a seat. God. A seat.

By the time I had arrived in the 'fx' terminal, a van to Monumento came. I opened the door of the passenger seat and as I was about to aboard the van, this lady with a very shrill voice shrieked at me, "Miss, dyan kamEEEEEE. Nagpahuli nga kami para makaskay jan eh." (Miss, that's our seat . We have stayed behind so we can sit there."

All the while I was thinking why she was telling those things to me so my answer was, "Ano naman ngayon?"

She hit the ceiling. Hehe.  "Anong 'ano ngayon'? Kaya nga kmi nagpahuli ksi jan kmi uupo!" Sheesh. Practically the same lines?

Realizing that it was her way of saying it more than what she was trying to say that irritated me so much, I couldn't hold my temper much longer. "My gosh woman, you're fighting with me over a seat? Unsophisticated, uneducated, unlearned!" With my dignity intact, I sat at the back.

I thought she was about to retort again. Good thing she never did. I had prepared a speech for her telling her that she acted like a street vendor and I don't fight with street vendors who just had their first chance to sit in a van.

Goodness. Some commuters ought to remember that if they are willing to kill for a seat, not all people are like them. I for an example won’t waste my time and my pride arguing for a well-used seat.  Give me a golden seat worth a million and probably I will change my mind.

venting out my stress on these poor pieces of paper, proving that i can tear things to shreds. you see this? this is what i am going to do to anybody who pisses me off. 

random thoughts on friendship and wasted effort

I get reprimanded for not giving any effort in friendship. I don't mind. In fact, sometimes I think I give too much. Then I stop.
For me, if friendship requires effort, then it's unfair. There will always be one who is going to give more. If people find it comforting to know that they have done their best in friendship even if it is already at the brink of destruction, I want to find myself in the safest zone. 

Right.The fear of wasting my affection for people who don't give a single damn about me is too strong.

busted: zagu's double espresso

Zagu's Double Espresso doesn't taste like espresso at all. I expected it to be darker and more bitter than its cappucino version. It is more bitter than the latter in a considerable degree, yes. I know I should have not expected that much from such a cheap drink but still cheap things sometimes offer better quality than expensive once. For instance, I prefer Zagu's Natural Mango more than the mango shakes I have tasted in pizza restaurants.

sunset from my--and my brothers'--room

“Do I easily get tired of people?” is one question I often ask nowadays. There are some instances in my life that I let go of people as soon as I meet them. I even cut ties from ‘friends’ I have been with for a long time. The answer has come to me sooner than I have expected and as usual, God has played tricks and He has sent it through the most unlikely person and thing. I don’t easily get tired of people. I only lose my interest in those who don’t offer much challenge because I can’t see myself growing with them.

I live in this Earth for a purpose worth of more than being stagnant water in some dirty canal. There is no room in my social bubble for those who can’t strive with me. If society can be symbolized by the ecosystem, I’d rather be the weed competing for sunlight than a blossom plagued with aphids. Flowers wither and die. Weeds—well, you can see them even in unexpected places.

one speed only

Pascual Liner got it from me awhile ago. I gave the bus driver and the conductor a piece of my mind. It was my second time riding a bus from the same company and nothing changed: the bus was too slow. It was a déjà vu indeed. Speaking from the point of view of someone who rides the killer buses in Novaliches, this is definitely saying something. I felt that I should have taken a jeepney for all my money’s worth. Really. There was no difference. The bus kept on stopping at corners every two minutes or so—I was listening to my playlist as usual and I observed that a song did not finish without the bus stopping. Nothing would have ignited my anger, and I was even thinking that it was mere coincidence that the bus was Pascual Liner yet again, and I did not want to over generalize that company. What triggered my temper was the fact that more jeepneys passed us by. It was unnerving. At first, I only stomped my feet. The next time it happened, I already voiced my exasperation: Can’t this bus run any faster?

Not caring even if the other passengers gawked at me, I got off the bus. They could all stink in that bus for all I cared. All I had in mind was to get another bus that would run faster. Good thing I did.

Yup, I wasted my money but I got the sheer pleasure knowing that I had been right all along. That bus had one speed only. My second bus passed it along C-5.

I vow not to ride any bus from the same company. I don’t care even if they have different drivers, different buses and I doubt that they will notice that they miss one passenger from the thousands of people in my area. All I know is twice is enough.

unburied

A picture does paint a thousand words that I can’t bear looking at your happy ones…they shout at me that whilst I drown myself in my insufferable bitterness, you are there contented and satisfied. I have already thrown your pictures away. However, I still have one left-the one where you are neither happy, nor sad…your ID picture. It’s the only picture of thousands of words that I can interpret in thousands of meanings.

back pain

This morning I woke up with a terrible back ache and I kept on asking myself why for a full 3 minutes before I remembered. I had fallen down the stairs yesterday. It was not as tragic as “falling from stairs” sounds. I had slipped 3 steps, maybe.  I am still asking myself why I neither felt anything yesterday, nor early this morning when I went home. I am feeling the full impact of the fall this afternoon. My bones keep on complaining in funny places. 

stinking bug...i hate it. I am itchy all over

There are things about me that I want to convey and let other people know. That is why I have a blog in the first place. There, whether it’s updated or not, I say what I think is good enough to be shared and I keep the rest to myself or to my well-chosen friend. Therefore, if I have something I keep from you, then that means you are not meant to know it. Neither have you the right to share it because how can you share something you are not entitled to. You are stealing something from me and the worse thing is I can’t imprison you for it. What’s the worst thing? The fact that you know me and yet you do this.