me

I promised myself that the next time you see me, I would be better person. I would be Someone who is worthy of you. I thought that being me wasn’t enough that’s why you decided to turn away. That is why I started to try my very best to be that kind of person who, I think, is best for you. But I started to get tired.

Liking myself to a non-existent being that may not even capture your attention wasn’t my style from the very start.

Then I started to realize that all of my dreams were made with only one goal: to make you proud of me. All of my dreams were built around you that at the moment of my epiphany, my goals fell one by one.

Do you know how it felt? It felt like starting from a void. All these years, I thought I had planned my life as a well structured path. But there was a hollow all along—no, not a hollow, a sink hole because you once…somehow…filled my path.

Now that I learned that I had depended so much on you, I figured out why you and I can never work out. I was full of you but I never was in me. No matter how I tried to be the one you liked, you would still turn away because I did everything for you and nothing for myself which entirely made me to a Nobody.

Therefore, next time, next time we are given an opportunity to look at each other’s eyes, I hope to see in yours what I like to be. Me.

...

I have already sighed for the nth time and i am sighing once more. It's the only thing I can do without inflicting pain to anyone but myself.

libro na naman

"relations insist in giving me books when all i want is a decent conversation"

...he used to be a crush. then he became someone dear to me. then we parted...
...there were long days, months, and years of silence...
...and i was entertained by others...
...and then he came back, after his solitary shell..
...only to give me a book "love in the timeof cholera"
...and after a year...just an hour ago, he visited, just to give 7 books...

...bother...
PMTO

singing "drops of jupiter" instead

..I felt like singing "hanging by a moment".but decided against it..

Last sunday, after the dreaded but not so dreadful GCAT exam, I called him up--just checkin out if he would care to answer and he did. as usual, he said he missed me...for heaven's sake a lot of people miss some other people--wouldn't he make me feel any betterthan the rest..and to think he used to make me feel i was the best--without him knowing it and that's the problem.

.he did in a way, telling me he'd like to see me. but of course, not this weekend. he has to meet that special someone...and ofcourse....here i am, the understanding friend who has waited for him for a year when he was out there searching for something, and he goes home, misses another girl and guess what, i'm kicked out of his priority list(when i was in it, i was at the bottom, second from the bottom...make that third...drat...somewhere at the bottom).

Fine...so i thanked him for congratulating me in my decision to take up MA Lit. Nice...but that' s a crap as compared to the s compared to things i want to tell him face to face, the things he's supposed to understand without me saying them to him.


. While i was holding the phone, i couldn't help feeling like Michael Berg (The Reader).


"the only way we would be free is to disclose something needed to be disclosed but we'd rather keep it hidden."

mask

I am wearing a mask that says nothing.

I have waited and I have found out

That I have waited for nothing.

All I have is this mask

and some memories.

a mere bagatelle

I don't know about you but i've kept on waiting. probably you wouldn't think about me for a minute. wish i could do the same, but you see, forgetting about you and all the things we've shared isn't easy. You've been a friend, a confidante. But just a friend. So as a friend, I 've waited.

And you probably forgot that i'm waiting. You see, I still am. But it doesn't matter now, at least to you. Because for you, i'm a mere bagatelle. something you can take for granted. I wasn't even surprised to know you're back from Jupiter and you didn't even bother to text. and i felt it was just yesterday when you called to say goodbye. i guess you can't be bothered by a hello. No I wasn't surprised. I was disappointed. But i understand. I know it's easy to forget a bagatelle.

So here I am, still waiting. I would be waiting for as long as I live, or until I get tired...or until I have another thing to wait for. But I will wait. You see I'm not yet tired of hoping you'll knock your head hard and remember that I'm here.

and just in case you ask why:

Unlike you, I remember that you told me I was important.

And I can't be moved.