unburied

A picture does paint a thousand words that I can’t bear looking at your happy ones…they shout at me that whilst I drown myself in my insufferable bitterness, you are there contented and satisfied. I have already thrown your pictures away. However, I still have one left-the one where you are neither happy, nor sad…your ID picture. It’s the only picture of thousands of words that I can interpret in thousands of meanings.

me

I promised myself that the next time you see me, I would be better person. I would be Someone who is worthy of you. I thought that being me wasn’t enough that’s why you decided to turn away. That is why I started to try my very best to be that kind of person who, I think, is best for you. But I started to get tired.

Liking myself to a non-existent being that may not even capture your attention wasn’t my style from the very start.

Then I started to realize that all of my dreams were made with only one goal: to make you proud of me. All of my dreams were built around you that at the moment of my epiphany, my goals fell one by one.

Do you know how it felt? It felt like starting from a void. All these years, I thought I had planned my life as a well structured path. But there was a hollow all along—no, not a hollow, a sink hole because you once…somehow…filled my path.

Now that I learned that I had depended so much on you, I figured out why you and I can never work out. I was full of you but I never was in me. No matter how I tried to be the one you liked, you would still turn away because I did everything for you and nothing for myself which entirely made me to a Nobody.

Therefore, next time, next time we are given an opportunity to look at each other’s eyes, I hope to see in yours what I like to be. Me.

along the hallway

to forgive and forget is not as easy as they say.

when you would meet the person whom you used to love, quote-unquote, who did not care for you, who betrayed your trust, you would still feel the pain. You would still try to blot his exsitence by not looking at him and walking on. you would still not meet his eyes. and who cares if he would or not try to capture your attention. you would just move away. then you would pray that you had not seen him. and he had not seen you.

you would pretend you were not affected. you would laugh, smile, chat. You would be merry. But you knew you weren't. because you were thinking of him. all day. and you were torn.

because all along you thought you had forgiven and forgotten. but you haven't moved on.

BROKEN REPLICA

Smile as the camera zooms in.
After the flash, get going.

No one knows—
It’s ok.

Pose as the film rolls.
After the take, set your soul.

No one suspects—
It’s all right.

Sing as the tape records.
After the music is over, hop aboard.

As long as no one sees
You’ll be fine, absolutely fine.

At least, on picture, on film, on tape…
You are whole.

一歳の誕生日の1ヶ月のお祝い

• last year i celebrated my birthday my birthday with my co-online teachers and employers somewhere in EDSA, Music 21. That's when I received my xpress music.
• also i remember i celebrated it with Randolph and Kath in SM Manila, Yellow Cab.
• And not to mention the Stranger was with me last year although he didn't know it was my birthday.

Two weeks have already passed since my 21st birthday, I know. But nada that i would let july go by without having an entry about the month-long celebration of my birthday.

• 10july, with 3-4, Ersao, P. Algue-- my advisory section gave me a Red Ribbon chocolate roll and a notebook containing greetings from them and my co-teachers. Yep, sweet. My section is sweet. They just can't help being a bother sometimes.
• 11july, with WG, CKSC-- had to work. first writing workshop of WG with me.
• ------, 1100 with 3-6, Shakey's, masangkay-- I had lunch--lunch btw was courtesy of kervin who celebrated his birthday last july 9.
• ------, 1400, SM Tayuman, treated myself with Arthur Conan Doyle's The Lost World.
• 13july, with 3-6 CKSC room, apostol, allan, jayson, jerome gibert, and ekstrom gave me a hand warmer. They had considered giving me a pair of room slippers but since they didn't know the size of my feet, they settled for the "stuffed-toy" which turned out to be a hand warmer.
• 15 July, Faculty--Sir Allan, Maam Llanado, Maam Mogro, Sir Buiza and I treated the faculty to lunch of spaghetti, bread and drinks. Don't forget the cake sponsored by Maam Llanado's students.
• ------, with Mama, SM Tayuman-- my mother and i had a date. i treated her to Jollibee since i got pretty stuffed up in school. we got hamburgers (i had considered taking her to tokyo tokyo but she didn't feel eating japy food). then we shopped for stocks at home.
• 21july, with 3-6 yet again--after a week since the hand warmer, ryan kyle gave me a bread key chain.
• 24july--lance andrew of 3-6 treated me to MOA--as part of his birthday gift for me or as part of his birthday celebration i don't know but then again it didn't matter. we, lance and some 3-4 students (stef, jolly, janie, grace, jd, danica, nico, jotham, jomar and wilberto) and i spent the day skating (well they skated, i just held unto the rinks railings: fortunately i didn't fall), window shopping, and getting lost in EDSA--nice experience it was. it's just that there was the guilt of responsibility that somehow spoiled the day. nonetheless it was fun.
• 28july-- a day after PGMA's last but hottest SONA ever, Sir Allan and I treated the English Department for lunch. We had Spaghetti, BBQ and drinks. Mrs. Tiu, our coordinator, supplied the brownies which i evidently appreciated--since i'm not a chocolate lover, i intake it through brownies and cakes. Sir allan and I were surprised when we received People Are People apparels from the Dept. we didn't think that our feast would have a better and more expensive reward.

Honestly, the best thing i have this year is celebrating my birthday with my whole family. it has been a while, really...after 6 years...

looking back at all these things, i feel grateful to the One who continuously lets me exerience such blessings. words aren't enough.

Crazy by Kenny Rogers

I guess I'm crazy

crazy for you can't you see

although you may think

it's crazyhere

it's where I want to be

I will always need your love.

Alright.. so after a long while, I'm writing about this topic again.blame it to the compilation of songs i have in my phone.

While I was checking papers, I had my earplugs on, not giving too much attention to the random mode of the song selection. so there I was, in my own solitude, waiting for the blessed last period bell when all of a sudden this song played. I could have skipped the entire song but i didn't (why didn't I?). all i thought of was the feeling a girl could feel once her loved one sings this to her....

way too crappy you might say...way to girly...way too cheesy, sappy, and all but hey, i'm a piece of the nobody world trying to be like anybody and that's the point. meaning everybody has the right to tell me i'm cheesy because everybody has felt being cheesy in his or her own way (denial, was, has been, is, will always be a crime)... C'mon. who could probably tell me i'm not cheesy right now... I dare you... harhar

..still, i'm not going to dot my i's with hearts.

I AM NOT YOUR WHORE

.help me set myself free from what you and i have put me through. i still lack the courage to tell you that what we are doing is not what i really want.

. i deserve more than a mere body heat can offer. i deserve a loving kiss, a tender touch...not your expression of what you think i want to feel...

.i deserve someone who can love me the way i am, not because i can give him what he can't get from others.

.i can be your lover...never your whore. and if there comes a day that you'll force them in one place, i'll walk away. i'll never let you be the first to say goodbye. i'll walk away thinking that there is no loss. i have loved...only that i have given it purely, with no pretense whatsoever.

.i can always look at your eyes with no guilt.unless you tell me when love becomes a sin.

.i'll never drown in pity that you don't love me.

.because if there's something i really trully deserve, it's the respect for myself, and that is what i call true love.

.i may have loved you this much but i will not stoop at what you think i am.

.cut it out.

.don't try to make me what i am not.

...stuck...suspended 70 ft from the ground...

...maybe it's because i'm listening to this song:

i can't take it what am i waiting for
my heart is still breaking i miss you even more
and i can't fake it the way i could before
i hate you but i love you
i can't stop thinking of you
it's true i'm stuck on you

....so you see, i had already expected that he would drift away as soon as possible...this tuesday,i had half-expected that the last week's wednesday wouldn't happen anymore...i had sensed the clues...well i was right...
...i was only wrong with one thing....i didn't pay attention to "half-expectations"--that it meant only half of me was expecting the worst...the other half was, yet again, stuck in the make-believe world...

...i keep seeing yesterday why we got to play these games we play...

spur of the moment: SM Centerpoint with the Stranger

25june2008
yup..yesterday...
...we didn't plan about it...
...actually, we had an earlier sched...June 3 or 4..i can't really remember..but then he had cancelled it for another "emergency meeting".
...so just in the spur of the moment last tuesday (240608) we decided to meet..he's just teaching in hope, im just in chiang kai...so we decided to meet after our classes...
4pm we met somewhere near st. stephen's...he's still the same "mahangin stranger" that i know...because i really didn't have plans that time,..he decided that we go to sm centerpoint (the heck.)anlayo...
we talked a lot along the way...it was maybe..because i missed him...for two years of acting differently when "somebody" was around..it was like being free again...
when we got there, i was still indecisive of what we're going to do..so i suggested seeing a movie..i was supposed to choose prince caspian..but the sched didn't favor "my" sched considering that i still had another appointment by 6 pm..so we watched urduja instead...
we "watched"...right...a term for glancing at the screen and turning to each other every now and then...
old ecu...peste...nawawala na nmn ako sa sistema...
why can he be so unnerving...
it was just that i miss him...
and..i'm even looking forward to meeting him again next wed...

well it's gonna be "wednesdays with the stranger form now on"

...utang ko kay eyron pol...

..i don't know why i'm pleased and disgusted at the same time with what he mentioned last 27 march 2008..yup our graduation day..he congratulated me and then mentioned something about my 'utang'.at first i didn't wuite understand what he meant..then i got it when he added 'sa old ecu'...