Feb 13 Deux ex machina

00:36 has just finished rereading The Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man. Have the jitters. Remembered I’m supposed to have my report on it a little bit later… Know what to say already. Just don’t know how to say what I want to say…aside from that, I’m still thinking of other things like going somewhere this 15^th. And going to another place this year… hopefully this year while I still am addicted to God-knows-who/what. Shouldn’t be thinking about it now…can’t help it though…quite nervous once again…

I totally see the comparison between joyce and dedalus now. I also see the relationship of dedalus’ personality with that of the Irish “psyche.” I know that the power of religion, Catholicism or Protestantism, is prevalent in the novel. I just can’t gather my thoughts together to come up with a decent analysis of the novel and that Is my problem…grr

00:50 encoding something out of the context of The Portrait. Let’s say I’m trying to divert my attention for a while even though I have already diverted it for quite some time. Is it right to say I’m getting on my own nerves? Hehe. Hate the fact I don’t have an internet connection at home… but probably it’s for the better. Otherwise I would just be surfing the net and would mind about my report a later still. … but hey, I’m doing it right now, yep setting my report aside…wah…somehow one part of me “prays” that mr. Mendiiola would have a very lengthy discussion later and would forget that I have to report…. But no excuses…I still have to prepare for it even if it means I would not have my sleep… come to think of it, last Wednesday, I slept at 8 pm and woke up at 4:30… Welll, I had my share of sleep… Now it’s pay back time….huhu.

01:26 starting to get ideas of writing the thing…now that I think about it, there is a big possibility that my students would think that this is how I really study… Nah. If they how serious I am in working on my paper works. Talk about cramming… haha here’s a teacher who tells her students not to cram yet she’s actually doing the deed herself. Anyway, whether they believe it nor not that I am not usually like this, it doesn’t matter… deciding whether to post this publicly or not. Whatever. I want to have a record of how I (will) survive this day or not. C’mon…rarely do people find other people having a date with books and netbook… yep, it is confirmed. I have James Joyce for Valentine’s Day. Am I glad…

01:42 blank…..blank…..blank…..i’m preparing myself for one great ambush tomorrow…huhu… Oh, I just remembered that I didn’t write anything, aside from a very brief post in my facebook account, about the result of my report in my other subject… anyway, it was such a disaster, I don’t want to remember it if I can help it. But this one is different since I like this subject more than I love the first one where we discuss the history and literature of emerging countries. It is quite depressing to learn about other people’s grievances when I cannot even solve my own… ah… my politically corrupted mind. Nah, I’m merely interested in things that make me happy… speaking of which, getting the report done would definitely make me happy no matter what the results might be…better get this over with… over and out…wah…miss ace and some of my 3-4 students. Oh…I’m looking forward to seeing eminemskittles on Monday…. And yeah, probably ave too…but I have a doubt..she’s quite sick…

01:55 am I really going to report later…please answer me…huhu… if I wouldn’t, then hurray for me…if I would, wah, goodluck… definitely after the report, I should reward myself… hm…

02:24 subconsciously I had agreed with myself that I wouldn’t sleep. Yep… so that I would feel I still have enough time to finish this thing….my aim is to finish this at 5 so I could still have at least 2 hours of sleep. But that would mean not being able to read another required book… I couldn’t blame anyone… I chose this course. Definitely i have to live with it.

By the way, I am quite thankful of my GW since I can make my paper at this ungodly time.sigh… just for the record, I think I’m getting faster in encoding things. I also notice that I only glance at the keyboard one in a while now. Congratulations to me… In contrast, I saw my recent penmanship…. Not to be rude to myself or anything and I really mean this: my current penmanship sucks…

I know I should not lose the art of handwriting but at times like this, man, I have to get a move on.

03:22 my deadline for myself is approaching nearer…wahaha… would I have the courage to tell mr. mendiola that I’m not yet ready… huhu…

06:58 reason for the late update? Nah, I didn’t sleep. I took the time to read my major reference. Found a lot of substantial things… er…I do hope this report will work….aside from that I also took the liberty to prepare for school like the good student that I am. Took a bath, had breakfast, prepare my things. Right now, I’m trying to figure out the possible ways I could still improve my text. Hm…

19:13...Deux ex Machina...right... wasn't able to report on anything..rescheduled next week ...wah....wasted the wee hours of the morning...but anyway...quite happy since i already have a good draft for my paper....wah,,,thanks...

crying over james joyce

I am not yet ready for my report but I have to pretend that I am. Isn’t it good? I have read the book, I have made the skeleton of my report but I still don’t have the substance. Whew... Not for the last time that I have regretted taking James Joyce’s “A Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man” as report for my Anglo-American Literature. Now I’m regretting it once more. Had I been more mature in choosing a book that is suited for my level of understanding, I wouldn’t be this problematic.

The only reason I chose the book is I had read it before in my undergraduate English Literature class. I had thought it was a crazy book then. Considering the fact that I used to finish it within two days, my first “analysis” of the book was as hurried as a book report of a typical high school student. Little did I know that what I had taken for granted as a simple book is actually the third greatest book in world literature according to the Time’s Magazine.

It makes me crazy right now. I can’t even start it with a proper introduction, a bibliography, or even a summary. Good Lord. Am I hopeless? Helpless? Or plain stupid? If I could, I would really eat up my words and just change my book to another, an easier one. But I can only choke. And Still, no word comes out of my already exhausted brain.

frustrations

Whenever I see singers and musicians on stage, I wish I had lived my life the way I wanted to live it. Probably I would be performing on stage myself. Probably I wouldn’t be as frustrated as I am now, sighing to the nth degree that I am singing songs to please and entertain students. Probably I wouldn’t cry over the very big gap of possibility that somehow, I would reach... sigh...

Whenever I go to the library or any bookstore, I wonder when I will see my name printed on the backbone of a book. I even wonder if that will really happen.

Then my thoughts move to my exasperating students and reality slaps me hard. I think I have already wasted a lot of time. I think I have stayed in the work place far too long. I think it is time for me to move out since I am not happy anymore. If there are instances that I am happy, I am surrounded by a number of faithful students.

Right now, I can only brood on my misfortune: preparing for another cycle of depression, seeing the same blank expressions in the classroom, getting my voice hoarse in a fruitless discussion.

they are loud yet empty

Every human being has his own share of dislike for some people. In my case, I dislike loud people who can only see the fault of others but cannot see their own blunders. Most of the time the same loud people commit ten times of the faux pas an ordinary man can do in a day. How come, you ask? Because, they keep on pointing at the imperfections of others, driving the insults to the hearts. But do they see themselves. No. Of course they don’t. They are filled with the images they created for themselves. They are blind from their own defects even if they already face their reflections.

But more than my distaste for them, I pity them the most. They go on living like they are the kings and queens of the world and yet they rot, they putrefy. They stink and reek with arrogance paired with ignorance and stupidity. They mock others as a form of self justification because they know that given a chance, those people whom they jeer will retaliate and pulverize them.

I also pity them for the uncertainty that their attitudes will change. I can just imagine them, aged and unloved. I pity them because I really don’t believe they are happy. I mean, if they were, they wouldn’t need to step unto other people’s shoes.

They can laugh right now for all they want. I know somehow they will eventually choke. I just hope that once they do, it will not be too late for them to change. Tsk tsk... Pity.

08 february

It was his birthday but I couldn’t care a bit. Probably someone from the outer world is occupying my mind...or probably I refused to think about him...

Days earlier I had thought of not texting him...just to wonder how he would feel once he would notice I didn’t greet him... But i decided against it. I thought I would just be fooling if not hurting myself. Somehow there is this part in me that tells me it wouldn’t affect him at all. And for me, it would hurt the most.

SO i greeted him anyway and received a curt reply.

I admit that it was a great effort for me neither to call nor text him back. I only thought that i would make matters worse for myself. The only loser in this case is me. My dislike for losing helped me get through the situation and I was able to get home with my pride intact.

However, at the end of the day, I still thought of him. Even made a blog entry about him. And that’s that.

kamsahamnida

The MASCKS’ presentation Du Mal Au Bien went quite well yesterday. Although there were quite a number of minor errors particularly the opening and closing of curtains, I can profess that I am satisfied with how it turned out. It wouldn’t be possible to put up such a play in a hurry as we did hadn’t we received help from the different sides of the coast. Hehe.

III-4
My advisory class has been supportive of me lately. I don’t know if they already feel what is going in my mind for quite some time. Aside from the fact that they invite me to eat out almost every afternoon without asking for anything in return (I hope...hehe), they expressed genuine enthusiasm in helping the MASCKS production. We encountered short budgets(for paint, and food) along the way but I’m glad that they didn’t desert me. They wouldn’t dare I know...hehe.

The Props team: Feliche, Marian, Kim, Heidi, Myca, Lynell, JD, Alex, Dixon, KLO, Sarah, Stephanie, Allana, Danica, Alain, Janie, Kathy, Tiffany

I witnessed how the different peer groups in my class unite to create the gigantic castle for the play. I witnessed them get dirty, splashed with paints. I saw them get irked by their bossy classmates. But after finishing the castle, and after the performance, I saw them smile, humbly yet proudly.

It broke my heart when I learned that they had to spend their money for the props. They missed their classes, sometimes their snacks. They exposed themselves to the harmful effects of the paint which in the first place is the reason they had to use to corridors of the 3rd floor of the main building. It broke my heart too when some people asked them not to listen to music, their only leisure. I felt disappointed that some turn a blind eye to my student’s sacrifices yet add up another ear to listen and criticize their noise.

I know we received different feedbacks as regards the castle. I don’t exactly know why but i can;t help but grin, thinking that our critiques could only gnash their teeth at us. There is more to that castle than what they saw, more than the offending odor of paint they could smell. As for me I can see the finger prints my advisory class embedded there as they had applied the paint using their bare hands (we did not have a sufficient supply of paint brushes).

The Silent workers: Nico, Jotham

Nico helped us in the first day we started working on the pillars. His effort wasn’t that recognized but i am glad he had the initiative to help in the time of need.
I am quite sure I gave Jotham’s name for the credit list. It was just sad his donation, 2 boxes of bottled water, wasn;t recognized. In my heart, I am sincerely thankful of him.

The performers: Grace, Jolly, Jimcen

Although they weren’t recognized as part of the major characters, these three contributed to the success of the production. I know that without them the presentation would be very different. Thanks to Grace, for showing a totally different side of her, to Jolly, for exuding confidence and grace in her performance, to Jimcen, for giving his best without asking to be appreciated.

My class in general: although some of them weren;t able to help, probably they were just busy doing something else or they couldn’t think of other ways to help us, I am still thankful that they didn;t make themselves a burden to me at the time that I felt I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

III-5 Xyncoz
It is my fault that I doubted their loyalty. Because of an unwanted competition and issues, I hadn’t asked for their help in the preparation of the MASCKS presentation. I indeed avoided those issues, but I inflicted pain to those who sincerely wanted to help me. All I can say is sorry. I didn’t mean any harm. I realized that I should not be blind and insensitive to their willing hearts.

I am still grateful of them since all throughout the preparation, I could ask for their refuge. They made my two weeks light. They lessened the load of being a teacher by behaving a little bit properly than they used to when we first met. I regret that I appreciate their help a little bit too late. I can only promise to make it up to them. How I don;t know. But i am going to make it up. Hehe

III-6 Unitrix

My beloved class who has witnessed my tears of joy and sadness. I have been with them for two years already and the feeling doesn’t change. They make me smile. They end my day right. For the first months of this school year, I tried hard not to compare the love I feel for them and the love i feel for my advisory class. Just then I realized that there was no reason for me to avoid comparing because they cannot be compared. My love for III-4 is like a love of a mother for her real first born baby. My love for this class is like a love a friend, one out of trust tried and tested through years.

Once again, that trust was tested and we succeeded it magnificently. They were assigned to do the Chinese temple and the fountain, both were highly appreciated by the audience. Sure we encountered problems including the remaking of the fountain which at first was a flat thing made of Styrofoam only. When they heard that we were supposed to have an almost real fountain, I know they were quite disheartened because their efforts had been in vain. Still, they did not stop thinking of another idea.

The next problem we encountered was how we were supposed to make the Chinese temple stand. Bless them for their resourcefulness because before the day before the presentation ended, they were able to procure an object to support the entire material. They even agreed upon the persons who were to hold it from behind.
What makes me appreciate them more is the fact that I had not begged the whole class to help me but they did. Of course I could not put all of the III-6 students’ names in the exception list so I listed only 20 but during my period when we were supposed to create the props, all of them worked, sweated and dirtied.

I am grateful of the fact that these students weren’t even a part of my advisory class yet they exerted the effort as if they were. Like III-4, the bore the pressure that our task required of us. At the end of the day, the day of the presentation itself, they were there from the start to the end from the last minute practice down to packing up of props(to which I am especially grateful of Kervin).

__________________________________
My words aren’t enough as a replacement for my students’ effort, love and trust. I am not even sure if money or grades would suffice. Du Mal Au Bien wouldn’t be successful if not for my students. They materialized my dreams. They are the realization of the hidden ideas stuck in my head. To tell you the truth...i don't have any idea how to finish this blog...

Yup... No idea...

On Noynoy's Polad

COMELEC turns a blind eye upon infomercials of politicians. The government organization doesn’t consider these ads as a form of political campaign because they are not aired in the campaign period. “Technically,” they are not political campaign ads. Nada. With that we see a big hole in our electoral code. And our dear politicians abusively work this hole to their advantage.

It could have been better if Noynoy had not released a polad to say his visions and promises. It could have been better if he had stoped with his jingle sang by Regine Velasquez and participated by various artists from Kapuso and Kapamilya stations. Why? His recent polad tied him up with his adversaries. And that’s bad.

For me, Noynoy’s commercial is a pathetic response to Villar’s farce campaigns. It is just an attempt to recapture the nation’s ardore. It serves as a mere assurance that he is not left behind in surveys or in the election.

He doesn’t even sound sincere to me. He sounds like any veteran politician promising a wonderful future without poverty and corruption. What is worse is he includes his parents in his advertisement. All I can say is no matter what his parents did doesn’t guarantee what he can do for the Philippines.

But hey, I’m not totally against him. I am only disappointed when I saw that he doesn’t have any difference from the other politicians so hungry for power they underestimate the knowledge of the masses that they are supposed to serve. Somehow it is discomforting to know that someone whom you are willing to trust your four years of governance cannot be trusted with a small thing such as political campaign.