..feces..dung...crap..shit...tae...ano pa..

...i find people who say "tae(shit)" weird...really..and well, disturbing...

i am wondering if they were born in this world with a big piece of shit clamped in their mouths...or maybe all they can see in this world is shit even if they are actually looking at themselves in front of the mirror

...well one of these days maybe i can put a good deal of shit in their mouths to let them know what it tastes like, or even convert our classroom into a big crap dampsite, just to make their expression reasonable...

..and yeah, do that while having our research paper...

but as long as i am being paid to be a good model for them, i'll just put the right mark in their
conduct sheets and these whole crap of ideas be forever installed in my box of a brain.

..for the others...they can do everything they can do with their shitful life...

*magreact nang bayolente walang mapapala..kanya-kanya lang yan...


injection and curses

...yesterday night i tried hard not to eat and drink after 9 pm (i tell you, it was hard for me; i usually eat after nine and i drink milk/tea/water before going to bed). it was for a blood test.
.this morning i woke up early
, thanks to a parched throat, and prepared myself for the injection...hehe...not really scared but excited. im not being a hypocrite "brave" soul here but i am not afraid of seeing blood (am quite used to it after being used to my nosebleeding every september;speaking of which, i had a nosebleed last tuesday night). even after so much already flowed from my body (nosebleeding and monthly cycle) for 20 years of my existence i still don't know what blood type i have...(my students were telling me it was green...a little bit of persuasion and soon i'll believe them)
...oh boy, was i excited...
...so there,i was one of the first to exhibit bravery...
...i sat down, hoping for the successful blood test...i was even friendly to the nurses...
...this nurse came and volunteered to do my blood test...she wrapped a torniquet around my upper arm and asked me to do a fist.she got a cotton ball, moistened it with alcohol, and cleansed the area...(i have a nurse friend so i knew that they do that not only to cleanse but also to see the vein they're looking for)...then she felt for that vein, got a syringe and injected the needle. it didn't hurt, really, for a while we waited for that precious "green" blood that i have...nothing "green" came out...so she searched for the vein with the needle...still inside my arm. she turned it to the left..then to the right...not contented she twisted it...again, it didn't hurt...but it surely pissed me off..
for heavens' sake i am not a guniea pig...
...then the nurse asked "masakit na po ba?" if that wasn't a stupid question, then i don't know what to call it. i said "HIndi.." kasi hindi naman talaga..
...still, i waited...another nurse took over....i asked her "wala na ba akong dugo?"
..of course i was kidding..trying hard not to be sarcastic...it looked like my blood wasn't even green, it was invisible...
..."Ma'am pwede po sa kabila na lang tayo kumuha?"
...yeah, right, like i could do
something about it...
...so they got another syringe and injected me again...at last, the second nurse was able to get blood from me...TAKE NOTE: My blood is red...i'm perfectly normal, thank you.
...nakakabadrtip talaga...
..i just thought, "hey, i'm trusting this unknown person of my life but she takes it as an experiment"...even though i only have a semi-acceptable appearance, i perfetly know, i still look like a human being, not an animal nor a playground.
...badtrip lang talaga..i know this may not sound a big deal because i'm still alive(obviously--if not, you've got to think my soul is with you..nyahaha), but these LITTLE things count. Good thing, they only administered blood testing...pano kung iba na...
these nurses ought to get a lot more practice...not on teachers though, nor students...specifically, not
on me...
...WAAHH...namolescha talaga ako...


...ang guro nga naman oh...

...it's hard to be something you really are not...

..well, in my case, i have admitted that i am never meant to be a teacher, be it in a private or a public school...

...first blow: checking of papers...nakakaloka ito...the truth is i am so bad in checking papers and returning them as i am good in asking my students to write reports, book review, diagrams, etc.

...second blow: recording...pwede ba sa studio n lang gawin to???? um well, for the past 20 years of my existence, i have only experienced the "puyat" of recording everything and transmuting (is there such a word..lemme check my dictio) the scores just last saturday..perstaym yon pare. banas kaya...

...third blow: making weekly allotment plans and diagnostic tests...i really have to buy this shining armour. i have this nasty feeling that my students will kill me any time soon...can they just wait until the school year is over...well i feel for them...who would want to have a post test, then a long test in Chinese instruction. then Long test in English instruction then may pretest na naman?..ummm.....may katwiran nmn sila diba ....palusot...(but i have no alibis whatsoever in making the allotment plan and pre/post test...asa..)..for that, i'm changing my plans...i shoudl just buy Harry Potters invisibility cloak(which reminds me that i haven't read hp 7 yet...i'm so yesterday na...ngak)...or yet the Griffin(the Invisible Man...finally, tapos ko na!))'s potion...mas epektib..


..nalulunod na ako sa dami ng gawain...kelan kaya kao aahon....naks..haha



.help me set myself free from what you and i have put me through. i still lack the courage to tell you that what we are doing is not what i really want.

. i deserve more than a mere body heat can offer. i deserve a loving kiss, a tender touch...not your expression of what you think i want to feel...

.i deserve someone who can love me the way i am, not because i can give him what he can't get from others.

.i can be your lover...never your whore. and if there comes a day that you'll force them in one place, i'll walk away. i'll never let you be the first to say goodbye. i'll walk away thinking that there is no loss. i have loved...only that i have given it purely, with no pretense whatsoever.

.i can always look at your eyes with no guilt.unless you tell me when love becomes a sin.

.i'll never drown in pity that you don't love me.

.because if there's something i really trully deserve, it's the respect for myself, and that is what i call true love.

.i may have loved you this much but i will not stoop at what you think i am.

.cut it out.

.don't try to make me what i am not.


...stuck...suspended 70 ft from the ground...

...maybe it's because i'm listening to this song:

i can't take it what am i waiting for
my heart is still breaking i miss you even more
and i can't fake it the way i could before
i hate you but i love you
i can't stop thinking of you
it's true i'm stuck on you

....so you see, i had already expected that he would drift away as soon as possible...this tuesday,i had half-expected that the last week's wednesday wouldn't happen anymore...i had sensed the clues...well i was right...
...i was only wrong with one thing....i didn't pay attention to "half-expectations"--that it meant only half of me was expecting the worst...the other half was, yet again, stuck in the make-believe world...

...i keep seeing yesterday why we got to play these games we play...


spur of the moment: SM Centerpoint with the Stranger

...we didn't plan about it...
...actually, we had an earlier sched...June 3 or 4..i can't really remember..but then
he had cancelled it for another "emergency meeting".
...so just in the spur of the moment last tuesday (240608) we decided to meet..he's just teaching in hope, im just in chiang kai...so we decided to meet after our classes...
4pm we met somewhere near st. stephen's...he's still the same "mahangin stranger" that i know...because i really didn't have plans that time,..he decided that we go to sm centerpoint (the heck.)anlayo...
we talked a lot along the way...it was maybe..because i missed him...for two years of acting differently when "somebody" was around..it was like being free again...
when we got there,
i was still indecisive of what we're going to do..so i suggested seeing a movie..i was supposed to choose prince caspian..but the sched didn't favor "my" sched considering that i still had another appointment by 6 pm..so we watched urduja instead...
we "watched"...right...a term for glancing at the screen and turning to each other every now and then...
ecu...peste...nawawala na nmn ako sa sistema...
why can he be so unnerving...
it was just that i miss him...
and..i'm even looking forward to meeting him again next wed...

well it's gonna be "wednesdays with the stranger form now on"


klostropobya atak

Claustrophobia Attack

..yesterday, 28 april 2008, 8:30 am, was my very first encounter with what i dreaded and still dread to encounter: being locked in a service elevator of an old building.
..well yesterday started as usual. i had calls with my students in network english world tutors' top talking branch..i had a chat with my korean bosses and filipino managers..i prepared for my contract signing in Chang Kai Shek College--my God, was I excited. then all of a sudden this whole elevator thing pissed me off..
..if i had noticed anything it would just be the elevator's groans every now and then. suddenly, it would not stop at the floor level i chose. when it stopped at the 'ground floor' level, it was actually at the 3rd level. it was crazy. so i tried again and for the nth time yesterday i wished i had not..it closed, locked me inside its belly, and zoomed up to the 22nd floor of the pacific coast tower and went dead.the lights were on, i was thankful of that. but with or without lights,being locked up in an elevator for a 'klostro' like me was being sucked into a hell-hole.
..it was not nice..
..i was trying hard not to be hysterical. but it was tough i couldn't stop myself from screaming my lungs out.i don't know if anybody would do the same.but all i knew was i wanted to get out of the damned thing. i pushed the restart button. the ringer.the mechanics-know-what-buttons.
..i desperately tried my phone.well it had signal. i called my boss but he could not hear me.i tried texting my mother but the signal went off--well i had expected that.i tried to be calm, rationalizing that 'are you just going to let this fool eat you up..man..you're going to be eaten up by your fear..what..scream like a maniac..you are going to be hysterical because of an elevator, are you nuts..are you sure you want this' and all that..well, for once, my sardonic self wasn't able to calm me.
..i sat at a corner of the elevator to regain my composure. i bit back my tears. i was running out of breath (or so, i think) and crying wouldn't help me.funny..at that moment, i wasn't thinking of elevator ghost stories(like what i am thinking whenever i am in a comfort room).i was focused on one thing, to come out breathing.
..after 5 minutes or so(it seemed like an hour), i heard a voice, voice or voices, i wasn't that sure.they were calling. i answered back, pounding my fists at the metal door.well, they heard me..and for goodness, i was thankful..no..grateful..i sat down again..calmer..just waiting.then my mind went blank..i simply stared at the door like one gone mad--well i was, that time..finally, it opened..well more acurately, a maintainance man pried it open.he asked me how many minutes i was stuck. i replied i didn't know exactly..honestly, i don't care to know how long i've been there.i just don't want to be stuck again.
..up until the time i met my manager along the street i was till shaking.
..when i rode the lrt back and forth(bec. of my appointment),i couldn't help thinking what i would do if the same would happen with the lrt.
..and whenever i remember it i inhale deeply like what i did back there..it's like i'm still there..
..now i am quite sure i wasn't able to face my fear back there..a while ago when i went to work, from the unit where i am staying (1101) to the unit where i am working (1904), i used the stairs.and i think i am going to use it as long as i work and live there, except of course if i have company to ride the darned thing..if that encounter did something to my claustrophobia, it worsened, not cured, it.



..wahaha..i'm overwhelmed with blessings..nyahaha...chang kai finally called me up..guess what..i passed the psycho exam...until now i can't believe..nyahaha..the psycho test wasn't able to identify the 'sapak' in me...or maybe it did identify the 'sapak' but the sapak was stronger the psycho test couldn't do anything about it..wahahaha..i have a physical exam later...for those who prayed with me..yes, this is it...
..the thing is, i'm already a junior manager of a budding tutorial company somewhere in paranaque...
..can i possibly get the best of both worlds...i hope i can...


..i'm still waiting for chang kai shek's call..somehow through miracle, i've succeeded in my demo..i'm waiting for the results of our psychological exam(yup psycho exam--much to my disgust)..but anyway, while waiting, i've been doing a lot of fun being a korean tutor, and all that, in network english world tutors.
..yes, i enjoy doing what i am doing right now even if the salary is not what i want to have.it's the satisfaction of applying what i have learned in my four-year
stay in the Philippine Normal University..i'm not trying to be martyr here..i happened to have learned from my family that money is not worth if your heart's not into what you are doing..
..i'm not
the 'teacher' type., i admit..but it's just the pride in me that won't let go and let me apply to call centers and be what mr. mendiola says as "glorified telephone operator". yup..the pride..the pride that i know that i have a degree that can be proud of and not insulted by some faceless caller.
..aside from that hindi pa ako desperada sa pera..my heart is not yet ready to swallow the pride that i have gained just to have money.what will i do with money anyway.to achieve a peaceful and stable life..what an answer...i'm having it right now.there's no reason for me to pressure myself to have a high-paying job that is also tantamount to being underemployed(review economics to confirm). and my family is there to support me all the way...
so even though i'm
just here in the office..a grammar-editor, a human resourcebook, an instant seminar speaker, a material designer, a pronunciation model, i'm happy..
it's more than money can
give, hypocrisy aside..


untitled as of yet..?!

June 8, 2013

....and if i die this very moment, that would make him the final....

the gown...check
the bridesmaid...


"oy Pong, ok ka lang ba jan? wala na akong load eh. papunta na kami. Hintay ka lang ha, kalma ka lang.."

"Marie, mukang mas hysterical ka pa sa kin."

"Ah, Ha?! Ganun ba? Oh sige. may kailangan ka pa ba? wala na? ah, teka, siguro kelangan mag pa-ayos na kami noh, hehe."

"maaga pa kaya. Maya pang alastres yun eh. siguro dapat pumunta muna kayo dito?"

"oh, sige. bye."

"B-(click..tut-tut-tut) bye..ay naku."


message: pong! jan na ba c lanz?! uy, gurl, hrap maghnap ng gift ha. anu, ppunta n q.(riogna 0921....)

reply: .,cge pnta ka na puh.

"hello, lanz, hanap ka ng kapatid mo. ba't hindi pa kayo sabay papunta dito?... ha? bakit, saan ba xa. ...ay naku..hehe...ba't iba boses mo...sige sige...nyak...hehe.topak...sige, bye."

(sigh) huh.. bridesmaid...crossout. bridesmaids...check.




31 may 2013

what a bright day! ewan ko ba.. one of the times i want to shout out, Thank you LOrd, I am alive. haha. and i like the feeling that i am living. dala na rin siguro a i have a blessed family, blessed job, blessed boyfriend..er...fiance(sigh smile)--yup, we're soon to be married. how great it is when you are to tie the knot with a fellow christian. it's really great being contented.

at malamang masaya ang buhay dahil na rin sa mga out-of-this-world kng mga kaibigan-oops, i'm sounding pretty much like...unlike me, hehe-- na wala nang ginawa kundi ibahin ang takbo ng mundo ko.

it's as if it was only yesterday, we were here in my house, talking about ideal guys, munching fries, watching movies, celebrating birthdays, enduring trial after trial.

i remember one particular friday night 5 years ago. we had an all-girls-night-out. marie, the sports addict, with two kids aqt that, did the spaghetti, Riogna, a soc-sci teacher and a law student, arranged the "venue"and turned my house into a pillow haven. lanz, the multitasking writer slash musician slash dj whatever rented CDs and tried this CD and that for our music and entertainment.

"wala pa ba si arnel?" i asked Rio who was blowing bubbles and balloons at the door.

"wala pa eh. bakit?"

"sabi nya kasi dadaan siya. may sasabihin siguro saglit."

"itext mo na lang tol." MArie's voice from the kitchen. "Ang tagal ni Lorry ha. ayoko gabihin, alam niyo naman ang mga anak ko."

"uwian mo na lang ng pagkain," lanz suggested, trying to tune my always out of tune guitar."darating daw ba si lorry?"

"Sabi niya eh," sabi ko. medyo nagtataka bakit,at the mention of Lorry's name, kinabahan ako.

"anjan na si lorry!" rio announced.

"anjan na pala eh..anong problema ng gitara mo bat ayaw magpatono...?"

"Hi guys!!" a jovial disposition paired with a big body.

"yuck! amoy chiko ka..!"

"yabang mo Rio ah..syempre nakipag-hang-out munaq...lanz, may gig bukas ha!"


i tried to smile. "Handa lang namin yung food."

tas hindi ko na alam yung nagyari. parang hinila ko ata si lanz, o sumunod sya sakin. basta alam ko tiningnan ko si Rio, nakuha niya ata message ko. i'm not so sure anymore. nartinig ko lang "MArie, andito na si Lorry." si lanz ba o si rio.

"oh sige. punta na ako.. oh, ano nagyari sa yo pong? hi lorry!?

"uy girl, no problema mo?" rio asked.

"i dunno.. may premonition talaga ako na...i..i just feel there's something wrong." i bit my thumb, i remember i did coz i also remembered lanz telling me to chew on food not thumb.

"tsaka na lang natin intindihin pag dumating na..kaya mo yan...handa na tayo..rio, help..hehe"


wala akong kwenta

..i was trying to search my blogs through several search engines.what irked me was the fact that i couldn't find my own blog and yet i could see several blogs, friendster accounts, etc that have 'wala akong kwenta'. the funny thing is, my blog itself is entitled 'walaakongkwenta' and yet i couldn't find it. so i decided to write this entry just to see if my blog(s) will finally be searched by the engines..kanino bang problema yun..sa blogs ko ba o sa mga search engines na yan....grr.


...utang ko kay eyron pol...

..i don't know why i'm pleased and disgusted at the same time with what he mentioned last 27 march 2008..yup our graduation day..he congratulated me and then mentioned something about my 'utang'.at first i didn't wuite understand what he meant..then i got it when he added 'sa old ecu'...


..i would like to congratulate myself for a job well done...ahaha..also..i congratulate myself for having good friends ..ahahhahaha

graduate na ako sa wakas



.impromptu resume and application letter making..mrs. manzano's final exam...katatapos ko lang...ang tanong "tama ba anak?!!"


..eh sa mayabang nga eh

...gr...really now...hehe
sana lang reliable source sila diba..to hell i care..(oh really)...ano ba yan..puro issue..hehe..tama na nga kasi raw ang pagpapanggap...


hanggang sa muli

.it's not how long we held each other's hand.what matters is how....
yeah it's a korni song. but i think it best describes what i feel now...
kelly's going back to korea.
im not saying i'm so attached to her..
it's just she's growing in me and that's something i don't deny.
im proud to say that i cried when we bid each other 'hanggang sa muli'...
and i won't regret that i cried for a 44year-old korean elementary school teacher
who, from the start of our tutorial session, became a meaningful part of my life.

hanggang sa muli Park Kyeong Won



..it seems like i dunno how to write anymore...goodness...how could this happen to me...hehe..but of course, i'm just kidding and i'm scaring myself..how could i..it's just that i dunno what i'm gonna do with the tons of requirements given to us by our professors, expecting that we're responsible fourth year students...responsible isn't our adjective..you can all tell that to the marines..hehe...



...hey..i'm with kelly, my korean tutee.our topic for today is behavior in a restaurant


just sick and tired

...i just don't want to be compared to anybody.


..i don't mean to imply that i look like tifa lockhart though i want to..i guess i'm not that desperate..yet..hehe

nasagasaan part 1

..for those who were worried about me im perfectly fine except for my right leg which is hurting a bit every now and then..i'm still not normal as i was before the accident..you don't have to worry.once i get normal then that's the time you have to call the med..haha..but thanks anyway.it's nice to feel you cared..hehe.thanks...

English majorship: sweet torture

..i just heard a friend say that.well, i dunno..i don't even have the time to think about it..in fact, typing something in this blog feels like a sin now since i should be doing two lesson plans..to be passed tomorrow.yeah..i should be doing that right now...grrr...why is discipline such a torture..hehe