Feb 13 Deux ex machina

00:36 has just finished rereading The Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man. Have the jitters. Remembered I’m supposed to have my report on it a little bit later… Know what to say already. Just don’t know how to say what I want to say…aside from that, I’m still thinking of other things like going somewhere this 15th. And going to another place this year… hopefully this year while I still am addicted to God-knows-who/what. Shouldn’t be thinking about it now…can’t help it though…quite nervous once again…

I totally see the comparison between joyce and dedalus now. I also see the relationship of dedalus’ personality with that of the Irish “psyche.” I know that the power of religion, Catholicism or Protestantism, is prevalent in the novel. I just can’t gather my thoughts together to come up with a decent analysis of the novel and that Is my problem…grr

00:50 encoding something out of the context of The Portrait. Let’s say I’m trying to divert my attention for a while even though I have already diverted it for quite some time. Is it right to say I’m getting on my own nerves? Hehe. Hate the fact I don’t have an internet connection at home… but probably it’s for the better. Otherwise I would just be surfing the net and would mind about my report a later still. … but hey, I’m doing it right now, yep setting my report aside…wah…somehow one part of me “prays” that mr. Mendiiola would have a very lengthy discussion later and would forget that I have to report…. But no excuses…I still have to prepare for it even if it means I would not have my sleep… come to think of it, last Wednesday, I slept at 8 pm and woke up at 4:30… Welll, I had my share of sleep… Now it’s pay back time….huhu.

01:26 starting to get ideas of writing the thing…now that I think about it, there is a big possibility that my students would think that this is how I really study… Nah. If they how serious I am in working on my paper works. Talk about cramming… haha here’s a teacher who tells her students not to cram yet she’s actually doing the deed herself. Anyway, whether they believe it nor not that I am not usually like this, it doesn’t matter… deciding whether to post this publicly or not. Whatever. I want to have a record of how I (will) survive this day or not. C’mon…rarely do people find other people having a date with books and netbook… yep, it is confirmed. I have James Joyce for Valentine’s Day. Am I glad…

01:42 blank…..blank…..blank…..i’m preparing myself for one great ambush tomorrow…huhu… Oh, I just remembered that I didn’t write anything, aside from a very brief post in my facebook account, about the result of my report in my other subject… anyway, it was such a disaster, I don’t want to remember it if I can help it. But this one is different since I like this subject more than I love the first one where we discuss the history and literature of emerging countries. It is quite depressing to learn about other people’s grievances when I cannot even solve my own… ah… my politically corrupted mind. Nah, I’m merely interested in things that make me happy… speaking of which, getting the report done would definitely make me happy no matter what the results might be…better get this over with… over and out…wah…miss ace and some of my 3-4 students. Oh…I’m looking forward to seeing eminemskittles on Monday…. And yeah, probably ave too…but I have a doubt..she’s quite sick…

01:55 am I really going to report later…please answer me…huhu… if I wouldn’t, then hurray for me…if I would, wah, goodluck… definitely after the report, I should reward myself… hm…

02:24 subconsciously I had agreed with myself that I wouldn’t sleep. Yep… so that I would feel I still have enough time to finish this thing….my aim is to finish this at 5 so I could still have at least 2 hours of sleep. But that would mean not being able to read another required book… I couldn’t blame anyone… I chose this course. Definitely i have to live with it.

By the way, I am quite thankful of my GW since I can make my paper at this ungodly time.sigh… just for the record, I think I’m getting faster in encoding things. I also notice that I only glance at the keyboard one in a while now. Congratulations to me… In contrast, I saw my recent penmanship…. Not to be rude to myself or anything and I really mean this: my current penmanship sucks…

I know I should not lose the art of handwriting but at times like this, man, I have to get a move on.

03:22 my deadline for myself is approaching nearer…wahaha… would I have the courage to tell mr. mendiola that I’m not yet ready… huhu…

06:58 reason for the late update? Nah, I didn’t sleep. I took the time to read my major reference. Found a lot of substantial things… er…I do hope this report will work….aside from that I also took the liberty to prepare for school like the good student that I am. Took a bath, had breakfast, prepare my things. Right now, I’m trying to figure out the possible ways I could still improve my text. Hm…

19:13...Deux ex Machina...right... wasn't able to report on anything..rescheduled next week ...wah....wasted the wee hours of the morning...but anyway...quite happy since i already have a good draft for my paper....wah,,,thanks...

crying over james joyce

I am not yet ready for my report but I have to pretend that I am. Isn’t it good? I have read the book, I have made the skeleton of my report but I still don’t have the substance. Whew... Not for the last time that I have regretted taking James Joyce’s “A Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man” as report for my Anglo-American Literature. Now I’m regretting it once more. Had I been more mature in choosing a book that is suited for my level of understanding, I wouldn’t be this problematic.

The only reason I chose the book is I had read it before in my undergraduate English Literature class. I had thought it was a crazy book then. Considering the fact that I used to finish it within two days, my first “analysis” of the book was as hurried as a book report of a typical high school student. Little did I know that what I had taken for granted as a simple book is actually the third greatest book in world literature according to the Time’s Magazine.

It makes me crazy right now. I can’t even start it with a proper introduction, a bibliography, or even a summary. Good Lord. Am I hopeless? Helpless? Or plain stupid? If I could, I would really eat up my words and just change my book to another, an easier one. But I can only choke. And Still, no word comes out of my already exhausted brain.


Whenever I see singers and musicians on stage, I wish I had lived my life the way I wanted to live it. Probably I would be performing on stage myself. Probably I wouldn’t be as frustrated as I am now, sighing to the nth degree that I am singing songs to please and entertain students. Probably I wouldn’t cry over the very big gap of possibility that somehow, I would reach... sigh...

Whenever I go to the library or any bookstore, I wonder when I will see my name printed on the backbone of a book. I even wonder if that will really happen.

Then my thoughts move to my exasperating students and reality slaps me hard. I think I have already wasted a lot of time. I think I have stayed in the work place far too long. I think it is time for me to move out since I am not happy anymore. If there are instances that I am happy, I am surrounded by a number of faithful students.

Right now, I can only brood on my misfortune: preparing for another cycle of depression, seeing the same blank expressions in the classroom, getting my voice hoarse in a fruitless discussion.


they are loud yet empty

Every human being has his own share of dislike for some people. In my case, I dislike loud people who can only see the fault of others but cannot see their own blunders. Most of the time the same loud people commit ten times of the faux pas an ordinary man can do in a day. How come, you ask? Because, they keep on pointing at the imperfections of others, driving the insults to the hearts. But do they see themselves. No. Of course they don’t. They are filled with the images they created for themselves. They are blind from their own defects even if they already face their reflections.

But more than my distaste for them, I pity them the most. They go on living like they are the kings and queens of the world and yet they rot, they putrefy. They stink and reek with arrogance paired with ignorance and stupidity. They mock others as a form of self justification because they know that given a chance, those people whom they jeer will retaliate and pulverize them.

I also pity them for the uncertainty that their attitudes will change. I can just imagine them, aged and unloved. I pity them because I really don’t believe they are happy. I mean, if they were, they wouldn’t need to step unto other people’s shoes.

They can laugh right now for all they want. I know somehow they will eventually choke. I just hope that once they do, it will not be too late for them to change. Tsk tsk... Pity.


08 february

It was his birthday but I couldn’t care a bit. Probably someone from the outer world is occupying my mind...or probably I refused to think about him...

Days earlier I had thought of not texting him...just to wonder how he would feel once he would notice I didn’t greet him... But i decided against it. I thought I would just be fooling if not hurting myself. Somehow there is this part in me that tells me it wouldn’t affect him at all. And for me, it would hurt the most.

SO i greeted him anyway and received a curt reply.

I admit that it was a great effort for me neither to call nor text him back. I only thought that i would make matters worse for myself. The only loser in this case is me. My dislike for losing helped me get through the situation and I was able to get home with my pride intact.

However, at the end of the day, I still thought of him. Even made a blog entry about him. And that’s that.